


Logic/Illogic/Emotion (and the differences between)

by GenericUsername01



Series: let's blame jim for this [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Mutual Stupidity, Sharing a Bed, Weddings, bullshit, he's a force for chaos, in general as part of the plot, jim is both the best and worst friend ever, pike is there because screw canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 19:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15691818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenericUsername01/pseuds/GenericUsername01
Summary: Spock and Leonard are deeply in love with each other and getting married. Thing is, they are both convinced that the other doesn't care for them at all and it's a sham marriage.It's its own wonderful brand of misery.Alternate title: A Treatise on the Stupidity of Starship Captains and Jim Kirk in Particular, By Leonard Horatio McCoy, MD, PhD.





	1. The Proposal

Let it be said that Spock did not intend for any of this to happen.

Approximately 5.25 months ago, he received notice that he was to be promoted following the end of this tour of duty and given captaincy of the newly-built USS Earhart, a small, lightweight vessel intended for use in prolonged scientific investigations and diplomatic endeavors.

The captain received similar notice simultaneously. They immediately convened within his quarters.

Jim looked heartbroken by the time Spock got there, but he plastered on this sad, fake smile anyway. "Hey, Spock," he said. "So I hear congratulations are in order."

"Am I to assume that you recommended me for the position?"

"Well. Not precisely. I mean, I guess in a roundabout way, I sorta did. Over these last five years, I've recommended you for every medal and commendation in the book, twice over. I never specifically told the admirals to give you your own ship, but I did always say what a great commander you are," he said. "And you  _are_ a great commander. You'll be an amazing captain, Spock. I'm happy for you."

"Captain, it is quite obvious that you are not."

He grimaced. "I'm sorry. Sorry. I  _want_ to be happy for you. If anyone deserves this, it's you."

"But I do not want it."

"What?"

"Jim. I realize this may be difficult for you to comprehend, as you love captaining to such a degree that it may be incomprehensible that this is not a universal experience. But I am not you. I have stated repeatedly and frequently over the course of this mission that I have no desire for command. I greatly prefer my duties as a scientist. To have command thrust upon me would force me to abandon my life's true passion in favor of it. I do not want this."

Jim gestured over to their chess table. "Sit down. Let's talk about this," he said. "First things first. This promotion. Is it optional? Are you allowed to decline?"

"Negative."

He shook his head.  _"Admirals,"_ he hissed. "Okay then. You know the regs better than anybody, probably even the people who wrote them. Under what circumstances is it impossible for them to make you a captain?"

"Should I be dishonorably discharged, resign my commission, or be suddenly demoted to a yeoman--"

"Ones that don't involve the complete destruction of your career, Spock."

He mentally altered the list of options. "That leaves legal marriage to a member of the crew. Married couples are guaranteed the right to be posted together. However, that is unlikely to work. As I am to be a captain, whoever it is would be lower in rank than me, and it would be a simple matter for the admiralty to transfer them over to the Earhart."

Jim nodded. "But what if you married someone who  _couldn't_ be transferred?"

"Yourself?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah, why not?"

"It is inadvisable. It would compromise the command team. You will recall what happened to Admiral Pike and Number One."

Jim's eyes widened and he went pale. "Shit. They'd take the Enterprise away from me. The-they'd ground us both, sic us with desk jobs--" he shuddered. "Nope. That's out. Sorry Spock, I can't marry you."

"I shall endeavor to contain my disappointment," he said dryly, and Jim grinned.

"Okay. Who else on the ship is irreplaceable? I mean, it can't just be you and me, right?"

"I believe this very situation shows just how replaceable I am, Captain," he said, and Jim was already starting to protest, but Spock just bulldozed over him. "The only other crewmembers who fit the requisite parameters are Dr. McCoy and Chief Engineer Scott. Both have already attained the highest position they can aboard a starship, and Command would be remiss to transfer them off the flagship to a lower posting."

"Great! So you'll marry Scotty, then."

Spock felt the blood drain from his face. While he had mentioned them both, he had not even considered Scott as a real option. "I think not, Captain."

"What? Come on, Spock. This is a great idea."

"I am not questioning the merit of the plan. I simply... I would prefer to marry Dr. McCoy, if possible," he said, feeling his cheeks heat slightly.

Jim laughed. "Really? But you hate Bones."

"I do not," he said. "I am aware our relationship is mostly adversarial in nature, but in truth, I hold deep respect for the doctor."

"Enough to prefer him over Scotty?"

"Indeed. Commander Scott has admirable qualities, but he is a mere acquaintance. My... regard, for the doctor, goes quite deeper."

Jim looked at him like he could see straight through him. "You know, Spock," he said. "Pulling pigtails gets really old after about third grade."

"Captain?"

He shook his head. "I'd propose right away, if I were you. Human weddings take a while to put together, even simple ones aboard a starship, and you'll wanna have it done before this mission ends in six months."

Spock nodded. "Logical."

* * *

He bought a ring.

An expensive, extravagant ring personally designed and custom-made to fit the doctor's hand. It was made of two strands interwoven, one gold and the other white-gold, and embedded all over with a sprinkling of diamonds like stars in the sky. He was able to pick it up at a starbase three weeks after his conversation with Jim.

He showed it to him over a chess match, and captain un-subtly asked when he was going to 'pop the question.' Spock assured him soon, but he desired to wait until the time was right.

A month passed, and he got more anxious every day.

Jim began to lose his patience as they entered the second month. He started to give Spock judging looks and pointed reminders and questions, as well as attempting to create circumstances where he would be alone with the doctor. This always left Spock embarrassed and flustered to no end, and he was sure the doctor could see his green flush, though he gave no indication of it.

They entered the third month post ring acquisition, now with only 2.25 months left in the mission.

"Spock, it's just a fake marriage. Look. I really think it would be easier if you just asked Scotty. He'd probably say yes, and then you wouldn't have to do all this worrying--"

"Vulcans do not worry, Captain. And Commander Scott is not the one I bought the ring for."

"Okay, I get that you really don't like this situation, and the timing is crap, alright? But you can put off... all of this, until later. Right now all you need is a legal marriage on paper.  _Now._ You can use a different ring if you need to."

"Negative. I will not," Spock said. "I fully intend to wed the doctor if he will have me, Captain. I request that you simply give me time."

He looked put out, but he let the subject drop.

Following that, there was a series of dangerous, high-tension missions back to back, and somehow two months passed without Spock noticing and he was no closer to being married than he was five months ago.

With mere weeks left, he and the captain began doing mission wrap-up procedures, ending this five-year tour and getting ready for the next.

Jim moved a rook aggressively across the chess board. "Komack called me this morning."

Spock nudged a pawn forward a single space. "Indeed?"

"Uh-huh. He's giving me until the end of the week to choose a new First Officer."

Spock hummed in acknowledgement.

"Says I've been putting it off too long. The reason he gave me news of your promotion  _five months ago_ was so that I would have plenty of time to start looking."

"Unusually considerate of him."

_"Spock."_

"Yes, Captain?"

"You have two days to propose to Bones or fucking else. I'm drawing my line in the sand here, Spock. This has gone on long enough."

He mustered something of a glare. "Or else what?"

Jim shook his head. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that, okay?" He moved his queen. "Check. Your move, Spock."

* * *

He did not propose the next day. The day after that, he resolved to steel himself for the requisite action, and thusly began intensive meditation as soon as Alpha shift ended.

He accidentally spent five hours meditating and concluded the doctor must surely be in bed by now. It would be inappropriate to rouse him to discuss trivial personal matters. Kaiidth.

He should have taken Jim's unspoken threat far more seriously. He seemed perfectly pleasant while playing chess the next day, except for a minor incident in which he spilled his drink on Spock's shirt, requiring him to leave the room to the bathroom briefly in order to clean up.

But when he came back, Jim was smiling innocently once more. Spock won the game quickly after that, and Jim immediately rushed out of the room to attend to important paperwork. He made no mention of the proposal whatsoever. Spock was inordinately relieved.

* * *

Not even ten minutes later, someone was banging angrily on the door to his quarters. Spock pressed the button to allow entry, and the doctor stormed in, looking furious.

"You sent  _Jim_ to propose to me  _for you?"_ he accused. "What, you couldn't be bothered to do it yourself?"

Spock froze, horrible dread coming over him. He walked over to his desk stiffly, like the robot McCoy always accused him of being, and pulled open the top drawer.

Empty save for padds.

"He stole the ring," he said numbly. "I told him I was getting around to it. There are three weeks left before the mission ends, I don't see why--"

"Spock," he interrupted. "What the hell is going on here?"

Spock felt just slightly like the world was ending. His blood was ringing in his ears and his mind was a blank slate of white noise. He could do nothing but answer honestly.

"Approximately five months ago, I received notice that I was to be promoted at the end of this tour. Jim and I discussed it, and he came up with a plan of action, which I agreed to implement. Apparently, I failed to do so within his prescribed timeframe, and he has now taken matters into his own hands."

McCoy, horrifically, didn't say anything. Spock assumed that Jim had explained the rest-- assuming, of course, that this was not a horrible nightmare he was living in. It seemed equally likely and unlikely. This was coming very close to several worst case scenarios he had envisioned, which led credence to the nightmare theory. On the other hand, it felt altogether real and a bit like Spock might pass out, which was a very physical sensation that he had never experienced within a dream.

Leonard was still not responding, perhaps solely to prolong Spock's torture. Perhaps he truly did hate him. Perhaps the captain had been right and Spock was completely at reading humans and where he thought there was shared camaraderie there was truthfully nothing but animosity. Perhaps he was aware of Spock's regard, either through his own deduction or the captain informing him, and he was utterly disgusted with the very idea of him now.

Spock determined that he was the most foolish person to have ever lived. The doctor made it very clear that he found Spock physically repulsive. His myriad comments about his unappealing physicality had driven that point home, if nothing else. Leonard hated his pointed ears, his lack of expression, the greenish hue his blood gave him, even the traditional way in which he wore his hair. Suppose by some miracle, he  _did_ feel friendly affection towards Spock. The revelation of his regard must have ruined that.

He should have just proposed to Scotty.

"Spock," he said. "Tell me honestly. Do you  _want_  to marry me?"

"Yes, Leonard. It is my dearest desire." For what could he say, now, other than the truth?

McCoy sighed and lapsed into silence again. In the span of that silence, Spock determined that the best course of action was to accept the promotion to the Earhart, leave the Enterprise for good, and never speak to another human again. Perhaps he could communicate with his future subordinates entirely through a system of glares.

And then Leonard knocked the breath out of him and tilted the world up on its edges.

"Yes, Spock. Of course I'll marry you."


	2. Announcement

Jim went into his ready room and put in a call to Komack, fighting to keep the smug grin off his face. He was patched through to secretary, who put him on with an aide, who finally connected him to Komack.

"Kirk," the admiral greeted. "You chosen a new First Officer yet?"

"Oh, yes! Um, I'm thinking Lieutenant Greene from the Grissom. She's a good officer, I like her record. She'll make a great commander and XO," he said. "I also have a bit of news about my current First Officer, actually. He's getting married. I figured I would call you personally to inform the admiralty. I want to make sure all the paperwork is above board and completed to satisfaction. Don't want anything to go wrong with his new promotion, you know?"

"The paperwork?" Komack asked. "Starfleet doesn't require any forms be filled out every an officer gets married, Kirk."

"Well yeah, but you do when two officers marry each other."

"Oh. So who's your XO marrying?"

Jim gave an honest, proud grin. "My best friend, Leonard McCoy. I couldn't be happier for the two of them. I've never seen a couple more in love. And I can't tell you, sir, what an honor it will be to get to marry my two best friends to each other right before they head off to start their new life on the Earhart."

"I'll bet," Komack grinned. "So what's this McCoy fellow do on your ship?"

"Oh, he's the ship's surgeon and CMO."

Komack's grin dropped off and his face suddenly became serious, almost perturbed. "Wait.  _The_ Dr. Leonard McCoy?"

"Uh. Yeah?" he said. "Best surgeon in the 'Fleet, why?"

"Kirk. You realize we can't transfer him, don't you?"

"What?"

"We can't transfer him. He's simply too valuable and skilled to post anywhere else. He has to stay on the ship."

Jim let his features twitch into repressed rage. "Admiral Komack. Sir. Respectfully, you  _cannot_ separate him from his new husband. It's-- It's  _wrong._ And I'm pretty sure it's against regs, too."

"It is," he said, as if just realizing it himself. "And we can't transfer McCoy. It'd be a demotion, and we  _need_ him on the flagship."

"Not to mention that that would be punishing him for getting married," Kirk said. "God. Could you imagine if people got wind of that happening?"

"Press would tear the 'Fleet to shreds," he muttered. "They'd hold me personally accountable."

"It'd ruin your career," Kirk mused.

Komack shook his head. "God. I can't believe I'm doing this. We won't be able to promote Commander Spock, Kirk. He's going to have to stay on your ship. Now, do you still want Greene--"

"Admiral," Kirk said, righteously appalled. "You're already taking the man's promotion away, and now you want to take his job, too?"

Komack straightened. "Right. No, of course not, Kirk. I deeply apologize for this whole mess, but it seems like you're going to have to keep Spock as your First Officer for another five-year mission."

Kirk narrowed his eyes.  _"Respectfully,_ sir, it's hardly a grievance. Commander Spock is a credit to any ship he serves on."

"Of course, Captain, I never meant to imply--"

Kirk nodded. "Of course, Admiral."

He cleared his throat. "Well! As long as the wedding goes off before the new mission starts, we should have no further logistical problems. Give both officers my best, Kirk. Komack out."

The screen went blank and a slow grin spread across Kirk's face.

* * *

McCoy figured the wedding would be a quiet affair, maybe in one of their quarters, with Jim officiating and Scotty as their one required witness. It was just a sham marriage anyway. It just needed to exist on paper. They didn't really need to tell people or put up any kind of pretense.

McCoy could probably even get out of wearing the ring.

No one needed to know about this, in his mind. See, the thing is, people would have either one of two reactions. Either they'd accept the marriage as legitimate, or they'd see straight through how fake it was. Both options were frankly humiliating. Option A meant that he was completely see-through in his affections and people just assumed Spock felt the same but didn't show it. Option B meant that everyone would know just how much Spock  _didn't_ love him.

By god, the proposal didn't even come from him. He was the definition of a reluctant groom. He'd even made it a point to say how the whole thing was Jim's idea, just in case McCoy had been under any illusions that he wanted this.

So McCoy fully planned on keeping this ongoing humiliation to himself, thank you very much. It would be a secret marriage as well as a sham marriage.

But what he didn't count on was the asshole that was James T. Kirk.

He gulped down disgusting replicator coffee in the conference room-- no cream and a boatload of sugar. Jim had called in the entire senior staff for a meeting, as he often did.

"'Ave we got ourselves a new mission, Cap'n?" Scotty asked.

"No," he said. "Well. Yes. But it's a very nontraditional mission."

"I was not informed of any new orders from the admiralty," Spock said.

"There are no new orders."

"But there is a mission," Spock clarified, a question in his voice. Jim grinned at him.

"Guys. I have an announcement to make. It's the most important, happiest announcement I have ever had the pleasure of making during my tenure as captain."

He paused dramatically.

"Spock and Bones are getting married!"

The bridge crew murmured polite congratulations. McCoy began plotting Jim's imminent, violent death. Possibly his own, as well.

"Wait," Sulu said. "Who proposed?"

Jim, Spock, and Bones looked at each other.

"I did," Spock and McCoy said simultaneously.

"What now?" Scotty asked. "Am I missin' something?"

"Nope!" McCoy said, with just a bit of nerves edging overexcitement into his voice. "We, uh. We proposed simultaneously."

"Wow," Uhura said. She folded her arms. "What are the chances of that happening?"

"1 in 2,387,470--"

"Spock and Bones are just very in tune with each other," Jim said. "Their minds are on the same level. They're so in sync that they even considered marriage right at the same time."

"Okay," Sulu said. "Well, who-- Who made the first move, in your relationship?"

"Uh, I did," Bones said. Someone had to answer and Spock can't lie for shit.

Chekov groaned and passed Sulu a credit chip. "We will have to inform all of the betters."

"Betters?" McCoy asked, feeling the blood drain from his face.

"You guys knew about the betting pool," Sulu said.

"The only betting pool of which I was aware was who would 'win' McCoy and I's arguments," Spock said.

"Dude," Sulu huffed out a laugh. "What did you think we meant by 'win'? Everyone figured eventually there would be an argument one day where one of you kissed the other to shut them up and struck them speechless."

Chekov scowled. "I bet that neither of you would ever make a move and the five-year mission would end with you both still sad and alone."

"I put my money on you, McCoy," Sulu said. "Knew you could do it."

He felt his face heat. "I am friends with none of you," he said. "I hate you all and you better  _hope_ you don't get injured in the next five years, because I swear I will stab you all with so many hyposprays, you'll look like human pincushions. You'll have false vaccination symptoms for months."

Jim beamed and clapped him on the shoulder, because he was an asshole. "Okay, guys! Announcement aside, now it's time for the mission. Our mission is..." Another dramatic pause. Bones literally hates this kid. "To throw Spock and Bones the biggest, bestest wedding ever within three weeks!"


	3. Bachelor Parties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for Jim to have such a big role in this? I promise later chapters will focus more on spones interactions, I mean obviously. Consider this chapter an aberration

"Goddammit Jim, I do not need a fucking bachelor party."

"Um? Yes you do."

He sighed. "When did you even have time to plan this?"

"I didn't. Rand did."

"You had your yeoman plan my bachelor party?"

"I'm a busy man, Bones."

"That's gotta be an abuse of your power."

He waved a hand at that. "Half of the things Rand does, she doesn't actually have clearance to do anyway. Besides, she was happy to do this. Also, she's invited herself to the party and is going to drink a lot of the beer."

"Anything else I should know about?"

"She may have invited some of her friends too."

He sighed. "And let me guess: Spock begged off of having his own bachelor party on the basis of it not being a Vulcan tradition."

"Oh, he  _tried._ Don't worry Bones, I didn't let him get away with that shit. He's having a party whether he wants one or not."

"Hm. Well at least he'll suffer too."

"Um, for your information, he's going to love his party."

"The day Spock loves any party ever is the day I die."

Jim scoffed. "Don't underestimate me, Bones. I know Spock, and I know what he likes. I'm not going to throw him a traditional human bachelor party with booze and strippers like yours is. Spock's party is going to be totally different. It's in the arboretum, for one thing, and they're serving tea. Dress code is semi-formal. See? Spock's party has a  _dress code,_ Bones."

"Well, I suppose-- Wait," he said. "Wait just a goddamn second.  _Strippers?_ Jim, please tell me there aren't actually going to be strippers at my party."

"What? Why not?"

"Because--!" he nearly shouted. He forced his voice down into an angry whisper. "We are on a goddamn starship. Who the hell are you gonna get to strip? You can't order crewmembers to take off their clothes, Jim. You can't even ask that. That's all kinds of illegal."

"Oh, well if that's the only thing you're worried about, then don't worry. There's already been a volunteer, though I let it be known that more strippers are always welcome."

And then he started to walk away.

"Jim! Jim, no. What the hell--"

The kid gave a two-fingered salute and disappeared into a turbolift.

* * *

The parties were held two days later. Spock's was first, held in the afternoon, and then McCoy's was later in the evening. Their friends enforced a rule, saying they could not attend each other's parties.

About an hour into his own, Bones was wishing they could have swapped altogether. Garden tea party was sounding pretty nice right now.

Mainly because he had finally figured out who the stripper was going to be.

Pounding music thumped through the speakers as Jim jumped up onto one of the rec room tables. He flung off his sports jacket immediately, and his crew cheered. He started to dance in a way that was very explicitly sexual.

As if this wasn't the last thing that Bones had ever wanted to see in his entire life. He was going to need to bleach out his eyes and lobotomize himself after this. It was nothing he hadn't seen before, sure, and unfortunately not even the first time he'd seen Jim do a strip tease-- though the last time had been for a mission, in order to distract their captors and allow the away team to escape.

And it wasn't that Jim was bad-looking or anything. Leonard could freely admit that the kid was attractive, but.  _But._

Kim caught his gaze, winked, and then chucked his pants at his head. Leonard flipped him off, stifling a laugh. Poorly, if Jim's grin indicated anything.

And then Federation Starship Captain Kirk continued to sexually display himself for his crew's entertainment.

"I fucking love this ship," Ensign Matthews said, knocking back the last of her beer.

* * *

"So are there any Vulcan wedding traditions I should know about? Y'know, as your best man and everything," Jim said, moving a chess piece.

"You are not my best man," Spock said.

Jim rolled his eyes. "Yes, but only because I'm officiating. And because it's you and Bones and it wouldn't be fair for me to be one of your guys's best man and not the other's."

Spock nodded. In truth, both he and Leonard had wished to forego wedding parties altogether, but Jim had insisted and then got the rest of the bridge crew in on it, and now it would be considered a great insult to all of their friends if either dared to stand up at the alter alone. So Nyota was Spock's best man and Christine was Leonard's.

Scotty was also petitioning to play the bagpipes at their wedding. It was yet uncertain as to whether or not this was preventable.

"In regards to your question, a typical Vulcan wedding occurs through the fires of pon farr. Many of our traditions reflect this as a necessity. Typically, both parties are kept in isolation chambers until they are just about to enter the plak tow. The bonding occurs then, as it has been found that this is the optimal period to ensure a safe and expedient pon farr. The newly bonded couple then proceeds to the consummation chambers, where they will remain until the mating drive is sated. If all goes as planned, this can be completed in just under three days."

Jim grinned lasciviously. "Yeah, or you could drag it out and have some fun."

"Pon farr is not something Vulcans are proud of, Jim. To end it as efficiently as possible speaks well of one's control."

"Seriously? And I suppose at no point do you ever just lay back and enjoy the marathon sex aspect?"

"Indeed we do not," he said. "Sex can be had at almost any point, without the need for a mating drive and the unnecessary disruption of one's life. In addition, to end pon farr quickly indicates a more satisfying experience and greater depth of desire for one's mate."

"...Oh," he said. He cleared his throat and moved a bishop. "So, no seeing each other before the wedding. That'll be pretty easy to arrange, and humans do something similar the night before the wedding too. Any other traditions?"

"The period of isolation is to be spent fasting and in nonstop meditation. This includes abstaining from sleep and drink."

"Even water?"

"Even water."

"How long does it last?"

"Five days, typically."

Jim chuckled, moving a knight. "Okay, I'll give you time off for that, but you can be the one to tell Bones about the not eating or drinking or sleeping during that time."

"As a Vulcan, my physical needs differ from those of humans."

"Yes, and I know that. I think even Bones knows that. But will it stop him from worrying? Not even a little bit."

"You are likely right," Spock said. He moved his queen, capturing Jim's bishop. "There are no other marriage rituals which can be applied to our ceremony, save that of traditional dress. I should likely inform you that modern Vulcan society deems hand jewelry to be uncouth and as such, I will not wear a ring."

 _"What?"_ Jim asked. "Spock, you have to wear a ring!"

"I do not. I will not."

"After what a big deal you made about getting Bones's ring? You realize he won't wear it if you won't wear one too, right?"

"That is illogical, as humans have no such taboo."

He shook his head. "You can't expect Bones to be logical. At least, not Vulcan-logical. Humans put emotions into their logical considerations. If you don't wear a ring, then he won't either."

Spock frowned and moved a pawn uselessly.

Jim sighed. "Okay, what if you wore a ring on a necklace? Would that work?"

"Indeed."

"Great." He smiled. "I'll get everything arranged, and you'll be married in seven days."


End file.
